By Sean Dancing Queen
Staff ABBA Enthusiast
For centuries, intelligent design, the idea that an otherworldly being created the universe, had been the most widely-accepted explanation for the development of life on Earth. Previously, intelligent design had been widely taught in schools with every kid told, and rightfully so, that God had created the world in 7 days. But in December 2005, a heretical judge, John E. Jones III, ruled that a Pennsylvania school district could not teach this form of intelligent design. This blasphemous ruling set a nationwide precedent which prompted many other schools to abandon this account of history. A few noble martyrs valiantly challenged this decision, but soon, the sacrilegious practice of teaching Darwin’s egregious theory of evolution in schools became almost unanimous. An era of darkness and regression descended onto the world.
The esteemed publishers of the now-banned intelligent design curriculum, Dr. Marcello Macaroni and Dr. Ragu Rigatoni, had engaged in many years of intense theological debate to produce undeniable evidence that God created the earth. Finally, they found their answer: nobody could prove them wrong, so they must be right. But one night, in the dark ages after Judge Jones’ sinful verdict, everything changed. They were drowning their sorrows with a spaghetti dinner when they were stunned by a blinding flash of light accompanied by several claps of thunder. The Flying Spaghetti Monster descended out of the Elysian Fields, touched them with His Noodly Appendage, then quickly dissipated into thin air. On a whim, they decided that their entire previous version of creationism had been fundamentally flawed, so they set out to develop a new one. Thanks to its flexibility based on the lack of opposing evidence, intelligent design was easily reimagined based on this otherworldly encounter. They dubbed their new religion Pastafarianism, centered around the Flying Spaghetti Monster and His creation of the world after a spell of heavy drinking. As upstanding theologists, they once again set about finding undeniable evidence that the Flying Spaghetti Monster had constructed the earth. And once again, they based their conclusions upon the fact that nobody could prove them otherwise. That, and Pastafarianism seemed a lot cooler than the alternatives.
It is this revamped creation story that must serve as the vessel to reinstitute the practice of teaching intelligent design in our schools. The theory of evolution is just that — a theory. Scientists have analyzed DNA and produced plausible evidence to challenge Darwin, but nobody can provide empirical evidence that disproves the existence of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. If we are truly committed to providing the best education in schools across America, we must teach the one theory of the creation of the earth that has no evidence against it: Pastafarian intelligent design.
Thanks to the admirable work of Dr. Macaroni and Dr. Rigatoni, intelligent design has been given a path through these dark times. The traditional Catholic creation story, while a crucial starting point in intelligent design’s journey, has been masterfully reimagined into a palpable vehicle able to be consumed by the masses. It is imperative that this new account of history makes its way into schools throughout all countries. May the world be touched by His Noodly Appendages. R’amen.