New Decade, New Me: Try This Contemporary All-Human Diet

ByPrithee Srinivasan

Staff Old English Expert

Since the beginning of the 21st century, diets have been the latest and greatest craze. Everyone wants to cut out meat, cut out dairy, cut out gluten — all for some dubious health benefit or environmental cause. Among these resolutely “green” diets, a new one has begun to emerge: cannibalism. 

The word may seem off-putting at first to many. I know it did to me, until I read the many studies written by Dr. Hannibal Thecannibal. According to Thecannibal, cannibalism is not only a nutritionally superior diet but also a solution to the lack of adequate food supplies as the population continues to rise. What if the human population itself could serve as the food supply? The implications are profound. No more will there be millions of hungry people lining the streets — only thousands of satisfied consumers.

Many of the new diets that have emerged, despite their apparent health benefits, lack the appropriate vitamins or minerals to sustain the human body’s dietary needs. A cannibalistic diet, on the other hand, provides water, fats, protein, minerals, and carbohydrates, six of the seven elements of a balanced diet. The only component missing is fiber, but that issue can easily be solved—with laxatives. 

People often find it difficult to find restaurants that accommodate their dietary restrictions, but with a cannibalistic diet, every restaurant will meet their needs. If there are no meals for them on the actual menu, they can bring the waiter home as take-out. Ordering from food delivery apps not only provides people with satisfying meals but also with the cars they drove in.

The cannibalistic diet can also serve as a mitigator to the growing climate crisis. The human race produces roughly 40 billion metric tons of carbon dioxide to the atmosphere, making humans the largest contributor to the global warming crisis. It seems a much more efficient strategy in combating climate change to root it out at its source, according to climate activist Hansel Andgretel.

Another benefit provided by the cannibalistic diet is the ease in production of food supplies. Unlike livestock and mass-farmed crops, which require intensive labor and care, humans are entirely self-producing and self-sustaining, enabling more resources and labor to be dedicated to other spheres.

Despite this wisdom provided by Thecannibal about all the benefits of this revolutionary diet, his experiments with cannibalism have landed him in a smidge of trouble with state and federal authorities. To avoid Thecannibal’s fate, the cannibalistic diet should be practiced in a more low-key manner — never to be spoken about in front of potential meals. Ethics and legality aside, this near-perfect diet solves several problems of the modern era, and in times like these, we need all the help we can get.