Arts and Culture

Math Behemoth Announces 2020 Presidential Bid

By SOFLY ASHLEY

Staff Cool Person

Forget underpinning infrastructure after hurricanes and arguing legislature in the chamber of the Senate – leading the intrepid troops of the Pinewood math department is the newest requisite of running for the 2020 United States President. Just ask Pinewood math department chair Christine ‘Chrissy’ Walters. 

“Math is the most useful skill in life, so there is no point spending precious time learning other subjects,” Walters said. 

After hundreds of years of male presidents in the United States, Walters, if elected, would make history as the first female president. As a math teacher for many years who excels at connecting with students, Walters plans to utilize her expansive experience constructing events like Pi Day and assigning day-to-day homework. 

Working closely with the Department of Education, Walter plans to push all schools across the country to focus primarily on math. Her slogan: M.A.C.A. –  ‘Make America Calculate Again.’

“American citizens don’t listen to one other anyways, so what’s the point of having people learn English? Numbers are indisputable,” Walters said. 

Walters’ promise is that she will make students better problem solvers in and out of school. 

“Mathematicians see things in black and white, so there is no one better than Walters to know the best way to help our country,” said Walters’ campaign manager, Andrew Yang, whose failed presidential bid gave rise to a slew of ‘outsider’ contenders with careers beyond the political arena. “She will be decisive and distin

guish the right decisions from the wrong ones.” 

In her free time, Walters also enjoys baking. Just imagine how much happier all of the White House staff would be, constantly immersed in the lovely, aromatic smells of warm, freshly baked cakes and cookies. Scientific studies from the Amarnathian-Bayesian Statistics Institute have proven the serotonin-inducing effect of baked goods.

“Everyone would have a smile on their face while they filled their bellies with Walters’ delicious baked goods,” Amarnath Santhanam said. Santhanam, the head researcher of the Institute, declined to comment on knuckles that were mysteriously bruised, standing amidst a volley of broken punching bags. “Ideas would flow much more smoothly, and disagreements would be minimized.”

With everything going on in our world today, we need a person whom we can trust to make the best decisions, and that person is Walters. She is analytical, decisive, kind and knowledgeable. And don’t forget about the cookies!

“I have known Walters for many years now, and I work in the same department as her. Knowing her so well, I am sure that she would be an incredible president because of her kindness and her great ideas,” math teacher Sara Dorset said.

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