By Sid “The Rat” Samel
High school can be a difficult, stressful time for everyone. Freshmen have to deal with a new environment; juniors have to prepare themselves for college applications and standardized testing; seniors have to come to terms with leaving high school; sophomores probably have something going on as well. In confusing times like these, it is not uncommon to want to look for new forms of guidance and leadership, beyond teachers and parents.
Well, ask and you shall receive. Teachers, parents, all those people, none of them have your best interests at heart. But I do. Join my flock, and never again will you know hunger, or fear, or sadness. On my isolated commune, deep within the wilderness of the Sierra Nevada, you will be free to achieve true happiness.
Obviously, there are a few minor caveats to get out of the way. First of all, there will be no contact with the outside world once you join the Children of the Rat. Social media is the root of all suffering in the digital age. You have to learn how to live without things like Snapchat, Instagram, the news, texting your friends and family, et cetera. Your mind has to stay sharp and focused to truly understand the teachings on offer. These distractions will only serve to hold you back.
Obviously, those who join me will have to learn how to let go of their material possessions. To this end, anyone who joins me will have all their funds transferred to me for safekeeping. You simply have to trust that I know better than you when it comes to your finances and general wellbeing.
In the end, however, I trust that you’ll find the experience well worth the cost. It’s important to be open to new experiences, no matter how seemingly daunting they may be. And remember, it’s not a cult, it’s a home.